


leave the car running

by Macremae



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, BPD Newt Geiszler, Borderline Personality Disorder, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Panic Attacks, Post-Movie: Pacific Rim: Uprising (2018), Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-19 23:33:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18980623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Macremae/pseuds/Macremae
Summary: It is clear that, after everything, Newt doesn't like to be touched.





	leave the car running

**Author's Note:**

> hey silver i MAYBE gave you this prompt but i liked it too much so. sorry. also for those wondering yes i DO need a hug thank you for ASKING

A few seconds after Hermann takes his PONS helmet off and begins to breathe again, someone tries to put a hand on Newt’s shoulder.

He’s still strapped to the chair, although this time to protect him from any seizures as the Drift takes hold and the Precursors are burned away. Until a few seconds ago he was panting hard and staring unfocused at the floor, but Lambert laid his hand on Newt’s shoulder for just a millisecond, and everything went to hell.

Newt lets out a terrified gasp and strains in his bonds to get away from Lambert, flinching hard as if he’s about to be slapped. Lambert jerks his hand away, startled, and takes a step back.

“Dr. Geiszler?” he asks cautiously, “are you okay?”

Newt is breathing hard and shaking, but he manages, “I-- yeah. I-- I-- I’m okay. I’m fine. S-- Sorry. Sorry.”

Lambert presses his lips together and leans over to mumble something in Pentecost’s ear. Hermann watches this whole scene, aching to scramble forward and hold Newt to his chest, breathe him in, be close to him. He resists.

No touching then. It’s Newt’s choice. Hermann wouldn’t dream of imposing.

He still has to shove his shoulders down to a relaxed position, every fiber of his body screaming to touch Newt. Damn the Ghost Drift. He’s just gotten Newt back; Hermann can’t lose him again.

\--

When Hermann sits next to Newt while waiting for therapy, he keeps his hands folded in his lap. When they eat together, their knees are a respectful distance apart. Hermann does not put a hand on Newt’s arm when defending him to Shao. He does not get down on his knees and beg to sleep next to him, just to make the nightmares go away. He does not let their fingers brush, even when they are barely inches apart on the conference room table. He is a polite, cordial, and considerate friend.

Oh, the ways we will kill ourselves for love.

\--

The first night Newt goes to sleep in his own dormitory, alone, he wraps his arms around himself in a facsimile of a hug and cries himself to sleep.

The second night he asks his doctor how long his SSRI will take to kick in. They tell him eight to twelve weeks. He wonders if he’ll last that long.

The third night he sneaks into the infirmary storage and steals an electric blanket and three extra pillows. With a little bit of work, he duct tapes the pillows into one long one and wraps the blanket around it. When Newt’s eyes are closed and he’s half asleep, it almost feels like Hermann, despite the lack of bony elbows.

On the fourth night he throws it all in the trash and stays awake until dawn.

\--

They’re in Hermann’s room, Hermann reading at his desk, chain glasses perched on his nose, flipping a page occasionally, and Newt sitting on his bed, staring at the wall and trying to ignore the the feeling of his skin peeling itself off. 

He’s going absolutely fucking crazy at this point. It’s rarely easy to breathe these days; his chest always feels like someone is either squeezing their fingers around his heart or stabbing it through with a needle. He trembles constantly. His fingers don’t feel real. There’s nothing to ground him or calm him or remind him that this all isn’t one big hallucination. Newt is constantly paralyzed with fear that he’s going to wake up back in that penthouse, or his cell, or possibly even Hell or whatever. He’s waiting for the other shoe to drop, just constantly waiting and waiting, and it’s more than taking its toll. 

The doctor tells him to breathe, but his chest is too tight. Pentecost tells him to take it easy, but there’s too much danger present to let his guard down. Hermann says… he says… 

Is Hermann talking to him right now?

Newt blinks and looks up to see Hermann in front of him, tantalizingly close, with a worried expression on his face. His mouth is moving, and words are coming out, but they’re all garbled and messy. Newt understands him perfectly, but the meaning and syntax is totally lost. He blinks again and opens his mouth, but no sound comes out. No breath comes in, either.

It is at this point Newt realizes he might be having a dissociative panic attack. 

He stares at his knees, trying to will his lungs to fill with air, but nothing happens. _Could_ anything actually happen? Is any of this real? He brings his hand up and flexes it open and closed, but the sensation feels cheap and fake, like virtual reality. His lungs still aren’t working. Hermann appears to be growing frantic now, hands fluttering above Newt as if he’s trying to decide what to do, and more than anything in the world Newt wants to scream at him to just fucking _touch him_. 

He can’t, though, because he literally cannot breathe, and black spots are starting to appear at the edges of his vision. Newt resigns himself to another episode of hyperventilating until he passes out and hopes Hermann doesn’t get too worried, until he notices a split second movement in front of him that catches his eye. What happens next shocks him so hard he gulps in air.

Hermann throws his arms around Newt and drags him closer until their bodies are pressed together. He squeezes tightly, resting his head on Newt’s shoulder and rubbing circles on his back with his hand. The warmth emanating from him feels like a bonfire, and Newt’s entire body stiffens like a shoelace dipped in saltwater and left out to dry. A palpable jolt of electricity zings through him, lighting his skin on fire. 

Newt gasps again, and feels himself start vibrating so hard it affects Hermann as well. It feels like someone scrubbed his skin raw, then doused it with hot water. His heart is beating so fast he can hear it. Hermann draws back for a moment, shame and worry written on his face, but Newt barely gives him time to breathe before he throws his arms around him and buries his face in the crook of Hermann’s neck.

Hermann lets out a soft sigh and folds Newt into his arms again, pulling his legs onto the bed to get him closer. Newt sucks in and hisses out breaths, gripping Hermann’s back like a lifeline, hands clenched so tight they cramp. Every possible angle of their bodies are pressed against each other, and Newt can feel Hermann’s pulse against his cheek. It’s the most beautiful sound in the world.

“I’m so sorry,” Hermann murmurs into his hair, running a hand through it. Newt lets out a whine at how good it feels, and Hermann keeps stroking. “I thought you needed time and space before I touched you-- or that you just weren’t comfortable--”

“No,” Newt says softly. “This is the first time in years. I wanted you so badly it hurt. It felt like I was swimming in acid.”

“Oh, Newton,” he says sadly, and maneuvers his leg to bracket Newt’s own. “Whenever you want. As much as you need. I’m happy to.”

“I missed you so fucking much. I never got to say that because I was scared you’d freak out at how bad I felt without you, but I did. I never wanna be away from you again, ever.”

Hermann squeezes tighter. “No one is going to take you away from me again. I won’t let them; promise. I’m right here, Newton.”

Newt lets out a sob and melts further into the embrace, bowled over by how safe he feels. For the first time in ten years, he’s not afraid. His heart is happy. Nothing inside him is dying.

Neither of them let go for a while.


End file.
